Young and Diagnosed with Cancer
Breaking the News to Family and Friends
Suggestions for young adults on how and when to tell friends and family about their cancer diagnosis.
As a young adult, the idea of being diagnosed with cancer seems like an impossibility – an abstract concept – as the perception is that cancer only affects the elderly. Society equates youth with energy, vitality, and health, and illness in young people is a difficult concept to grasp.
If you are young and facing cancer, breaking the news to your family and friends can be extremely stressful. It is news they are far from expecting, and telling them your diagnosis can seem like an insurmountable task. The first thing to remember is that you do not have to tell everyone. Although the compulsion may be to broadcast the news to your entire social circle, carefully considering who you let in is important for your long term mental and physical well-being.
It is natural to want to get it out there. Having cancer heightens your desire for compassion, for support, for kind words and actions from those around you. Wanting to let people know, and actually getting the words out – “I have cancer” – are two very different things. Each time those three little words escape your lips, it reaffirms and solidifies the fact that you have an illness. Not an easy thing when you’re trying to fight. The push and pull between wanting to reveal everything, and being uncomfortable with talking about it, is a perfectly normal state.
In the end, you have the right to be selective, to pick and choose who you let in, and to be discerning about those you have around for support during this difficult time. Telling people is not an obligation, and guilt should not come into play for leaving someone out.
Who’s In, Who’s Out
Make a list of those you feel you should, could, or might tell, as well as the reasons behind your wanting to inform them. Take a critical look, and determine who stays and who goes based on reasonable selection criteria. For instance, consider the following factors when choosing the “inner circle”:
- How will they react to the news? Do you want to tell someone who will become a burden, who will take the news harder than you have, and who will sap both your emotional and physical strength? It is absolutely normal for people to be emotional, but your cancer cannot become all about them.
- Will it jeopardize your job or financial well being? This is where telling your employer comes into play. Many cancer survivors choose not to tell an employer right away - if ever - as they feel it sabotages their work-life, and sets up a victim scenario – or even worse, feeds into a perception of incompetence. Take a long hard look at the pros and cons of revealing your status at your workplace, and the effects it will have in the long term.
- Can they keep it to themselves? The most uncomfortable thing for someone dealing with cancer is to walk into a room full of people that, unbeknownst to them, are “in the know”. Be sure to think about whether the person you are confiding in can be trusted with the news. Unless you have explicitly said otherwise, the information is personal and private, and not for public consumption. It is useful to have “second-hand” friends – those who can pass the difficult news on for you – but those are for you to choose and not self-appointed.
Creating a list and rationalizing your reasons for telling or not telling those around you is helpful in easing the anxiety and fear around revealing your diagnosis. Reactions will vary from person to person, as each individual has their own way of processing difficult information.
The experience of finding out someone has cancer is shocking, but even more so if the cancer hits someone in the prime of life. Young adults with cancer need to be prepared for this extra level of disbelief. An understanding that reactions will run the gamut - from positive to negative; being open to answering questions, and a promise to not let people’s reactions bother you, are all useful tools in getting through the “reveal” relatively unscathed.
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